


If Only, At Least

by shitkai



Category: A3! (Video Game), Act Addict Actors
Genre: Azuma is a snake, M/M, Mutual Pining, but it's not a bad thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-16
Updated: 2017-06-16
Packaged: 2018-11-13 15:49:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11188344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shitkai/pseuds/shitkai
Summary: Sometimes wanting to be more than friends can cost you the friendship itself. Grit your teeth and swallow your emotions. This is why the heart is on the inside after-all.





	If Only, At Least

**Author's Note:**

> This was written with my blood, sweat, and jizz, please appreciate.

Everyone seemed to be aware of the Winter Troupe's dilemma. Everyone except for, well, the leader himself.

Tasuku sometimes wishes he could take back his first love. He wishes, but then Tsumugi does those small things that gets Tasuku's heart thumping; and he doesn't really care anymore.

In all honesty, he doesn't know when he realized he was in love with Tsumugi. The feelings just sort of wrapped around the entirety of his body, holding him captive with it's grip.

Maybe it happened all of those years ago, when Tasuku would shriek at every bug the other boy would pick up. When he'd get chastised for "Hurting it's feelings."

Maybe Tasuku fell in love with Tsumugi when they met again, eyes locking with the certainty of recognition. When Tsumugi spoke, and continues to speak, with overflowing familiarity, laced with that thick film of politeness that he'd never quite grown out of.

Tasuku doesn't know anymore, assuming that he did know in the first place.

And every time Tasuku so much as looks at Tsumugi, he's reminded of this unrequited love he has for him. This onesided attraction that's somehow manifest itself into something so lethally constricting.

Tsumugi doesn't even know about it. At least that's what Tasuku and everyone at MANKAI thinks.

This burning desire, and utter yearning has become too much to bear, and yet Tasuku continues to force this feeling down. He wants to stay good friends, he wants to continue to make Tsumugi smile that soft smile of his. To be the reason for his laughter, and to hold him in his strife.

"Move over, Taachan." Tsumugi says quietly, dark blue hair turned navy in the lack of lighting. He's lifting the covers of Tasuku's bed, and the larger male turns, albeit slowly, his neck craning to look at Tsumugi.

Tasuku scoots over and pauses, tossing another glance over his shoulder,"…Taachan?"

A breath of laughter as Tsumugi slides under the covers and makes himself comfortable next to his childhood friend,"You said I could call you that as long as we were alone, right?" His voice is gentle and quiet as he speaks,"Do you not like it? I'll stop…"

Without a hint of impish intent in that last statement, Tsumugi's face goes gloomy.

Tasuku turns fully around, before pressing his finger right where Tsumugi's brows are meeting in a furrow.

 _"Ah?!"_ A quiet gasp, and then, a small, flustered smile.

"You used to do that to me all the time," Tasuku says, eyes crinkling with fondness,"Don't get so down, we're alone, so I don't care."

Tsumugi hums, somehow managing to bring the two of their bodies closer in a warm embrace.

"Tasuku, you seem so restless lately…"

"Huh?"

Tsumugi looks a little too comfortable nestled in Tasuku's shoulder. His lips unintentionally brush the exposed skin of the larger male's collarbone, and Tasuku suddenly realizes how restless he actually is.

"We used to be so close that I could tell just by looking at your face," a sad smile is etched into Tsumugi's features as he speaks again,"But when I look at you now… all I see is…"

He's silent for awhile, and Tasuku feels his anxiety skyrocket under the verbal scrutiny his friend is dishing at him; and the fact that he isn't dishing anything at all currently, makes him nervous.

Ansty, he says,"What do you see?"

To which Tsumugi infuriatingly responds,"It's not important."

People say first loves never last, so maybe this is the point in which Tasuku's supposed to realize he can't and never will be able to get through to Tsumugi. He's 24 and he's looking down at someone with eyes that he (Tsumugi) doesn't even notice.

Restless? Maybe Tsumugi is right.

In truth, he's utterly tired of feeling so novice and looking at this feeling dead in its eyes, yet feigning blindness. His arms, as strong as they are, have grown weary with forcing it down, with pushing it away.

Eyes closing, the words slip from his throat, _"I love you."_

It's out, it's hanging in the air, the statement echoing in the silence of their bedroom and tingling Tasuku's eardrums.

But it falls on deaf ears, as Tsumugi's already asleep.

* * *

 

"Taachan."

"Not at work, please." Tasuku says a little frigidly.

Tsumugi gives this smile, and brushes his hair behind his ear a little. Times like this remind Tasuku of how much his friend has aged, the fingers splayed out on his desk filled with masculine veins, and his once round face slimmed from maturity.

"We're alone… aren't we?"

Tasuku looks around his office and the hood of his athletic jacket shifts when he shrugs. He's not looking at Tsumugi, opting for putting in P.E class grades for his students.

The blue light from the computer illuminates his rectangular reading glasses, and swaths his face in this artificial glow that mesmerizes Tsumugi for a full ten seconds.

"Didn't you come to just drop off papers?" Tasuku says flatly,"If you linger like this, you might get in trouble."

"I'm free right now." Tsumugi says a little too quickly. His almond shaped eyes are sparkling in a way that makes Tasuku want to kiss him, but he just sighs, rubbing his temples as he gestures for Tsumugi to sit down.

Across from the larger male, Tsumugi poises himself, hands folded over his lap as he looks around the small office. There are trophies littered everywhere, but none of them are Tasuku's. Just team awards he's had the honor of keeping as a coach.

A file cabinet is behind where the other male types, picture frames adorning it as compensation for not being able to fit them on his messy desk.

"Can we talk?"

Tasuku lifts his eyebrows in acknowledgement, fingers still probing his keyboard.

"About last night."

Just like that, the whole room shifts. Not the mood itself, but literally the entire room. It's as if the floor has swallowed Tasuku's stomach with how it's dropped in his abdomen. Suddenly he wishes that this sinking feeling would somehow engulf him and make him disappear.

Without a hint of emotion, Tasuku asks,"Yes?"

He's stopped typing by this point, his eyes looking straight at his childhood friend from past the lenses of his reading glasses.

"I… Tasuku's very kind," is what Tsumugi forces from his throat, pale cheeks coloring. "I didn't know you felt—"

_"No."_

They're both looking at each other, and Tasuku really didn't mean to say that just now, but the word just involuntarily slipped out. To Tsumugi's surprise, he isn't the one to look away first, Tasuku's face a deep crimson as he stares blankly at the ceiling.

"I'm sorry," is what Tasuku whispers, covering his face, _"I'm sorry."_

"Tasuku…" Tsumugi says, leaning forward and making the chair creak with the shift of his weight,"How long have you felt that way?"

"I wasn't being serious." A lie.

"You're lying."

Tasuku drags the palm of his calloused hand down his flushed face, dark eyes regarding Tsumugi because there's secretly nothing else he'd rather be looking at.

His heart is fast in his chest, almost as if it'd come out of his throat, and a part of him is ecstatic that Tsumugi finally knows.

But the fear of his reaction overshadows all feelings of felicity.

Tsumugi's lips move, but no sound reaches Tasuku over the rushing of his own blood in his ears. He's willing himself to calm down.

"…What?"

The dark blue of Tsumugi's hair is being pushed back behind his ear a second time, a blush high up on his cheeks as well. He looks at the ground before looking at Tasuku again,"I asked how long…?"

If this were texting, Tasuku could always not respond. He could say I Don't Know with that foreboding period at the end. But this, is not text, and Tsumugi is looking dead at him.

"…Not sure."

And Tsumugi bites back his lip, rubs his wrist nervously, and leaves Tasuku's office.

* * *

 

**[6:16 pm] Tsumu: I wasn't leading you on… right?**

_Read._

**[6:20 pm] Tsumu: I didn't mean to.**  
**[6:21 pm] Tsumu: Taachan, we should talk again. Text me back okay?**

_Read._

**[6:34 pm] Tsumu: Being so intimate… I feel terrible, I just,**  
**[6:37 pm] Tsumu: I wanted to be closer to you like before…**

Restless, Tasuku picks up his phone and stares at the messages for a long while, his fingers hovering over the keyboard.

He's analyzing every message Tsumugi sends, and all of them make Tasuku wish he'd never said what he did.

Inside of a café is where he sits, the window beside him pooling in light that warms every part of his face. It's bright out, even at a time like this, the AC in the facility keeping the hot winds of the approaching summer at bay.

Tasuku is still holding his phone, and stops looking out of the window to type a reply.

**[6:40 pm] So I guess that's your response, huh?**

**[6:41 pm] Tsumu: Excuse me…?**

Tasuku frowns at his phone.

**[6:42 pm] To say that you were leading me on when you didn't even know. You must not love me back.**

He blushes at his own forwardness, his hand holding his phone in a vice grip while he waits for Tsumugi's response.

**[6:42 pm] Tsumu: I'm sorry.**  
**[6:45 pm] Tsumu: I should've known sooner. I've burdened you needlessly by being affectionate. Please don't hate me.**

Tasuku stands from the table dialing Tsumugi on the phone and making his way out of the café. On his way, he sees a woman eating a cheese danish, and suddenly, he's reminded of how much he dislikes cheese.

The warm air on his skin and the flooding of Tsumugi's voice when he answers gives Tasuku goosebumps.

"Hello?" He says.

"I don't hate you." Tasuku interjects flatly.

There's the softest of sighs on the other line, and the sound makes Tasuku's stomach erupt with butterflies. "Thank goodness…" and Tsumugi sounds genuinely relieved.

"We can pretend this has never happened," Tasuku says, actually meaning it,"I don't want our friendship to be compromised."

It's a step backwards, but it's a step nonetheless.

Tasuku has grown quite loathsome towards their standstill predicament.

He can hear the sad smile in Tsumugi's voice,"I'd like that."

* * *

 

_Tsumugi hates this._

In truth, things have not changed.

They still sleep together, because old habits die hard. Still give those casual waves at work and laugh a little in the quiet of their dormitory at night.

Yet Tsumugi is unsatisfied. When he searches Tasuku's eyes, he gets nothing. Even his laugh is empty sounding.

It's as if he's a shell of a person now; and if there has been any change, that was it.

"I think you should rest." Tasuku says.

He's grabbing the shorter male's arm with a lax grip, murmuring the words in Tsumugi's ear.

Tasuku's voice gives him chills, and he makes a gasping noise, twisting away from his friend. Tsumugi's face is set ablaze, and the feeling intensifies when not only Tasuku's eyes are on him, but the rest of the Winter Troupe's.

Azuma is gazing at both of them knowingly, but Homare speaks up first," _He~eh?_ Dare I use this poetic mouth of mine to insist that the most tightest, tangled, tasteful, and torrid of the two into our troupe is in some kind of trouble—"

"Say another T word and I _throttle_ you," Azuma says, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Torrid…?" is all Hisoka says.

Unable to listen anymore, Tsumugi storms off, embarrassed and distraught.

 _"Oi—!?"_ Tasuku calls, and then there's Azuma's hand on his shoulder. Warm, piercing eyes are on him whilst he speaks,"Shouldn't you go after him?"

They're both too old for this cat and mouse game they're playing. Tasuku knows, and yet here he is, chasing after his childhood friend as fast as he can while carrying their memories and his own emotions.

Like baggage, it lays thick on his broad shoulders and threatens to crush him with each step he takes closer to Tsumugi's dressing room.

Tasuku feels his brain jumble when he steps in without knocking, the lines they were just rehearsing, mixing with every unspoken word Tasuku has held within his mind up until now.

Tsumugi has his arms folded on the small stand that holds his mirror, head smack dab in the middle of them. Like this, the taller male can see the nape of his pale neck, snow colored like the rest of him, save for the rose-colored blush that adorns his skin.

 _To blush down to his neck,_ Tasuku thinks, taking a few strides forward, _Cute._

"Tsumu…" his voice slips out without realizing, but once again, it's too late to catch it; and before Tsumugi can break his neck to turn towards Tasuku, the larger male's hands are snaking their way over his big blue eyes.

"T-Tasuku?!" His voice comes out strained and rushed before Tasuku can even manage a _Guess Who._

 _"Tsumugi."_ Tasuku says a little sternly, and he wants to be lenient, he really does, but it's hard when they're not children anymore and Tsumugi continues to act like they are. "Just then, what was with that tantrum?"

Tsumugi hears the low bass in Tasuku's voice, hears the low growl in his speech, and, _well,_ he's done it. Tasuku is mad.

"Uhhm," the shorter of the two locks his fingers nervously, his eyes unconsciously closing under his friend's fingers,"Don't be mad, Tasuku…"

Tasuku drops his hands so that they fall onto Tsumugi's shoulders.

"Back there, I got embarrassed…" Tsumugi's burning face turns to his friend, deep cerulean eyes searching for… _something._

Tasuku doesn't let him speak after that.

He leans down, neck craning forward when he gives Tsumugi a kiss from behind him. It's on the lips, and needless to say, Tsumugi is shocked.

Chaste and short lived it is, but that doesn't take away the thrill of having those lips on his own. That mouth of which he's dreamt to kiss for years, and _God_ Tasuku's pathetic.

"Taachan… that sort of thing…"

"I'm sorry." Tasuku whispers, almost, _almost_ meaning it.

 _"Nn—"_   Tsumugi doesn't know how to phrase what he's thinking, but to Tasuku's shock, what comes out is,"No, it's fine."

* * *

 

 

Thus began their ambiguous relationship, of which everyone has their own assumptions about.

Everyone except for Azuma, who knew exactly what was going on.

Tsumugi sits poached in a chair in the kitchen, fingers inside of his mug's handle whilst his other hand scrolls through his phone.

When Tasuku walks in, they exchange smiles and then there's the usual morning kiss that they've been doing routinely.

This time though, Tasuku tilts Tsumugi's chin up into it, and afterwards, his mouth lingers with a deep, slow _Goodmorning_ against the smaller male's lips.

Tsumugi's face is on fire when Tasuku pulls away, cheeks hot as he chokes out,"G-Goodmorning Taachan…"

Charming smolder adorned with the softest of flushes is the last Tsumugi sees of his friend before he's exited the kitchen and making way to leave. His shoulders, tense at each side of his body, don't actually relax until the door clicks shut and the image of Tasuku has dissipated.

Tsumugi wishes the butterflies erupting in his stomach could do the same, yet he knows they won't. His hand comes up grabbing at his beating heart to still it somehow, and yet, all he gets is a fistful of his striped shirt.

"If you keep letting him treat you so intimately, he'll end up doing something you may not like." Calls Azuma from the other side of the kitchen.

And there goes Tsumugi's soul as it parts from his body with little to no resistance.

Tsumugi doesn't scream, but he does flinch, his body jumping from the seat involuntarily.

"When did you g—"

"Around the same time you two exchanged such loving  _Goodmornings._ " He's smiling as he speaks, silver hair pushed over his shoulder and arms folded over his broad chest,"I ask that you don't expect the same thing from me though, those kind of things I do in the bedroom, and most definitely not for free~"

Tsumugi flushes, mouth agape as he struggles to reply.

"It isn't like that…"

" _It isn't like that,_ he says. Are you a tsundere, Tsukioka-San? Or rather, you're sad it is as you say?"

Tsumugi's brows knit as he looks away from Azuma and down at the still fluid in his mug.

The white haired male has his shoulder on the equally ivory doorframe, thin eyes slotted even more as he tilts his chin up. "It was amusing at first to watch, but now I pity you both. Poor things."

 _"What does that mean…?"_ Tsumugi's voice is strained as he clenches his mug. His reflection in his coffee stirs with the shift of his hand, and Tsumugi can't believe how hard his heart is pounding in his chest. "Watch what? Pity who?"

Azuma laughs, the sound turning Tsumugi's back rigid with the anticipation of his next words.

"Ask Takato-San."

* * *

 

There is something akin to apprehension in the air when Tsumugi asks to sleep with Tasuku that night.

And the mood is wary when they actually are in bed together.

"Is there something wrong?"

Tsumugi shifts,"Why do you ask?"

In the bed, they look like two giant lumps, pressed together under the duvet and nestled near the headboard.

"You didn't look at me all the times we passed by each other at work," his eyes are staring off into the plain darkness of their room,"I was worried, so I wanted to ask."

"Why is it that we only talk about bad and confusing things…?" Tsumugi's turning around more to look at Tasuku, and his face is as sad as he sounds. "Taachan. I've been thinking about it lately, but things won't ever be the way they were, will they?"

Tasuku locks eyes with Tsumugi, before adverting his gaze, lips flat in a stern expression. His wordlessness only lasts a solid minute, the passing seconds feeling endless as Tsumugi's vibrant cerulean orbs bore onto his friend's face.

"We're not children anymore, Tsumu. You've changed, and so have I."

A wry smile splits Tsumugi's features, eyes downcast now,"I see."

It's quiet for a long while, before Tasuku speaks again,"Doesn't it bother you that I love you?" He's sighing through his nose,"You haven't said anything about it, even though I'm a man…"

"Tasuku is Tasuku. Isn't this kind of thing a step above friendship?" Tsumugi is fully turned around now, his chest against his childhood friend's,"Ever since we met again, all I've wanted was to be close like we were before, like—"

_"Like before you quit acting…?"_

Tasuku's hands are fists under the sheets, the sound of his voice wrung up with sadness.

 _"Damn it…"_ Tasuku whispers, covering his face,"Why did it have to be you?"

Tsumugi stares at him in wonder, his expression going sour for a good few seconds,"Please don't hate me."

"I don't. Tsumu, _God._ I _love_ you. I'm _in love_ with you. Yet you won't even tell me that it's weird."

"It's fine."

"When I kiss you?"

"It's fine."

Tasuku gives a sardonic laugh, the sound deep and wistful in the nighttime air,"You said that the first time I kissed you too."

It's silent.

And then,"So do it again."

Tsumugi's brows are furrowed, a deep blush on his cheeks while Tasuku stares at him in awe. "Do it again and see what I say this time."

Tasuku's wide eyes crinkle ever so slightly, _"Yeah,"_ he says quietly,"but I won't hold back."

**Author's Note:**

> I tagged this as mutual pining but it really felt one-sided until towards the end. How did this make you feel? Did you wish for more? Was the characterization good? Bad? Any comments or concerns feel free to address them. Anyway I hope this was worth the read! As always I'm @Chillpedal on Twitter so talk to me there too！


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